Category: Relationships

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My Word Is My Bond

How many times have you complained that your partner, friend, family member, coworker, boss…someone, anyone, everyone….didn’t say what they mean and mean what they say? How many times that you preferred to hear what’s in the () aka their thought bubble rather than what they actually said? Do you often ask for and expect others to provide this common courtesy..this simple request …only to feel short changed when you don’t receive it? Do you then wonder why you weren’t important enough, valued enough, or loved enough to deserve this simple act of honesty and then slide down the familiar rabbit hole wherein no one (aside from you) is upfront, real, true to self, etc….only to decide that you are better off without them or anyone else whose word is not their bond?

If this describes you to the T, I have good news for you…you’re not alone. In some way shape or form we all fit this bill at some point in time either as the person feeling short changed or the person doing the short changing. The important question though is, how did we get there? Think about the last time you encountered this situation from either side. Ask yourself what kept you and/or the other person/people from speaking your/their truth.

In doing so, you may find that there are many reasons and some of them are unbeknownst to you or them. On the surface we can chalk it up to someone not being genuine and/or truly caring about us which made us scared to open up and share our feelings and then be hurt. Easy to make someone else the villain and give ourselves a pass by using our perception of their behavior as justification for why we weren’t our best selves in the first place. 

Below are two versions of an actual conversation between Ben and Erica, who have had a tumultuous relationship paved with friendship, love, hurt, deception and uncertainty.

As you read the conversation you may align with one or the other and/or both of them. If you happen to pick sides, ask yourself why and be honest. Then read my analysis as an opportunity to explore your understanding of both positions, and possibly yourself.

 

 

Ben: I didn’t expect a text from you today.

Erica: Why? It’s your birthday.

Ben: Exactly. I expected you to call not text. It threw me off for a minute but I guess I should be glad you thought of me.

Erica: Oh sorry.

(silence then polite conversation)

Ben: Look, I know I’ve been distant lately..not because I’m distancing myself but because I’ve been so caught up with work and the kids. In a few months things will calm down and the kids will be back with their mom and I promise you I will be more available.

Erica: Okay.

Ben: But I haven’t heard from you either. It’s like you are distancing yourself from me in order to protect yourself.

Erica: No. I’m just giving you space.

Ben: Semantics. Isn’t that the same as you being distant?

Erica: No. It’s me giving you space.

What are Ben and Erica really talking about?

It appears that Ben is addressing their lack of communication and Erica not calling him on his birthday. Erica’s response is indifferent, like it’s not a big deal. She attributes her lack of communication to her giving him space because he is so busy. At least this is what their words are communicating, which would be fine if we only communicated by the words we used. However, we truly communicate with the intention behind the words we use. If you re-read the conversation again (as it is presented below) listening to their intention (in the parenthesis), the conversation is different. What are they really saying?

Ben: I didn’t expect a text from you today. (damn. I wasn’t even worth a call?! That really hurt)

Erica: Why? It’s your birthday. (why would I not wish you happy birthday? I mean I didn’t want to  like this but….how could I not?)

Ben: Exactly. I expected you to call not text. It threw me off for a minute but I guess I should be glad you thought of me. (Are you serious? I shouldn’t even need to explain this. Birthday text vs a call?  If I expected anyone to call me today, it was you. Sigh)

Erica: Oh sorry. (more like sorry not sorry. I’m not going to risk calling you for you to ignore my call because you’re with some chick and “too busy” to answer. I’m not going to keep crushing on you while you do you. What about all the years I couldn’t call OR text you because you chose to be with someone else?! That shit was hurtful but you weren’t worried about me then ‘cause you had her. You’ve always had a “her.”)

(silence then polite conversation)

Ben: Look, I know I’ve been distant lately..not because I’m distancing myself but because I’ve been so caught up with work and the kids. In a few months things will calm down and the kids will be back with their mom and I promise you I will be more available. (damn. I know this sucks but I need more time. I can’t meet your expectations now but as we move forward I just want to do right by you this time. This time we make it work. No exceptions. I just need you to work with me. Once my plate isn’t so full I can focus on us and give you more time.)

Erica: Okay. (as usual I’m not a priority and have to wait my turn)

Ben: But I haven’t heard from you either. It’s like you are distancing yourself from me in order to protect yourself. (I know you can’t trust me and that I don’t deserve you to but..… I’m owning that I messed things up. I know I hurt you and I’m sorry. I hate being the bad guy. I can’t keep being the bad guy.)

Erica: No. I’m just giving you space. (WTF do you want from me?! I can’t keep chasing you. I can’t keep begging you to pay attention. I’m tired of always being available when you are ready to take me off hold. When you want me you can put work in and come find me).

Ben: Semantics. Isn’t that the same as you being distant? (c’mon we both know you are in protection mode. I know you! Just admit it.)

Erica: No. It’s me giving you space. (Of course I’m protecting myself! I’m not a priority and you know it. I’m tired of feeling like I gotta get in where I fit in. You’ve given me NO reason to believe that it’s safe to take a risk again so I’m not taking one. I want you back in my life more than you may ever know but I can’t be vulnerable or dumb again.)

How different would this conversation have been if they shared their intention (thought bubbles) instead of just words? What would Ben know that would help him better understand Erica’s distance? What would Erica understand about Ben’s true intentions regarding their relationship?

ERICA

Sending a text versus making a phone call is a clear choice and message. The impersonal tone is not lost on Ben but Erica’s actual intention is. It appears as though Erica is not being true to an established pattern of communication  and Ben thinks he knows what he did to move her off center, which empowered him to call out what he noticed. However, despite Ben owning this and believing things will change once he is more available, there didn’t seem to be any resolution. What went wrong in this conversation?  What did Erica want to hear that Ben didn’t say? And vice versa?

1.  Erica wrote the script but didn’t share it with Ben

Many of us have a running script in our head about how people are supposed to act, conversations are supposed to flow and how life is supposed to work out. Thinking ahead is all well and good except for the fact that we rarely share the script with our leading wo/man or our cast and crew. We walk around expecting everyone to know their lines and act out the italicized (theatrical directions) and become disappointed when they miss their “cue” leading to miscommunication and bad feelings on both ends.

Erica has unmet needs but denies interest in sharing them with the only person who can attempt to meet them. However, she expects Ben to “come find” her when he’s ready. How is Ben supposed to know that’s what she needs/wants, if he wasn’t given the script? Ben did what he thought the situation called for and communicated his observations only to get no validation. How does the apparent lack of appreciation for his ownership and explanation translate for Ben? Erica appears to be tired of hearing his words and seeing little action to back it up while Ben may feel that his communication is his only available demonstration of accepting responsibility. She has assumed that he has never missed her text or call on his birthday and has used this to rationalize and weaponize her position. However, assumptions are dangerous when taken as fact. If she doesn’t feel like a priority and acts as though she has accepted this as the status quo, how can she let him know she wants/needs to feel like one and in turn make him one?

2.  Erica has asked for something she didn’t give

We all come with dings in our armor (i.e….insecurities) and our hardest trick is to keep the new car smell in a pre-owned vehicle (i.e.…appear unscathed by past hurts even though we have been severely altered by them).  But if you are able to accomplish this impossible feat- does that make the car new again? It’s all perspective. Truth is subjective and magical-there one minute and gone the next. Easy to ask for and expect yet hard as hell to earn and maintain. Erica wants to know how Ben really feels about her. She wants to know his intentions but she can’t bring herself to tell him how she feels. Is it fair to expect someone to “keep it real” and tell you where they stand all while you refuse to do the same from them? She justifies it as being okay because she is protecting herself but how is that fair? Ben realizes her behavior is different so can he be expected to risk when he sees her not taking risks even if he knows why? Regardless of how we rationalize our perspective (or truth) if our actions don’t create safe space for sharing intimate thoughts, fears and concerns then it also doesn’t leave room to feasibly expect anyone to trust us with their vulnerability. We can’t play victim while being the villain.

3. Erica is so focused on being right that she is wrong

One word. PROTECTION. Erica isn’t flinching first. She refuses to be vulnerable and let Ben know how much she cares about him or their situation out of fear that doing so somehow makes her weak or susceptible to being taken advantage of. As long as she is so sure she will be screwed again she will want him to prove that he is truly ride or die. She will act tougher than nails and nonchalant about what he says and/or does only to convey the exact opposite of what she is feeling inside. However, none of this draws her closer to her goal. In fact,  it takes her further away from it. Deep down Erica wants to feel safe with Ben but she can’t say that, because it makes her vulnerable and in her head it creates expectations Ben may not want. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if he feels like she’s rushing him or applying unwanted pressure? Erica doesn’t want this so it feels safer to maintain her poker face and keep bluffing (i.e…pretend she is okay “giving him space” vs engaging with him regularly). Makes perfect sense in Vegas but not so much when you are managing a relationship you want to materialize.

BEN

So here Ben realizes things have shifted and inquires about where Erica stands. Erica acts aloof as if there’s no problem. Why would she do that? He is owning that he recognizes she texted instead of calling as a form of protection and addresses his contribution. Why not meet him where he is and say that she feels he should be making more of an effort and that she feels slighted and is in fact questioning what they are doing and moving into protection mode?

1.  Ben wrote the script but didn’t share it with Erica

Ben knows exactly what Erica is feeling and why and simplifies it to availability because that’s easier than addressing the real problem- aka he’s playing victim while being the villain. He demonizes Erica’s apparent distance while absolving himself from it because he has “a lot going on” and she is “being distant to protect” herself. However, is it possible that Ben has so much going on as a way to protect himself from being in a position to give more than he is offering? Could this be why emotional distance is an issue?

Ben expects Erica to own that she’s protecting herself and accept that he will be more available in a few months. If she does, problem solved. Right? Maybe in theory…but what if she can’t or doesn’t want to accept that? What if that doesn’t meet her needs? Does that mean she’s not being understanding and now Ben gets to be her victim? He needs time but what about what she needs? Who’s responsibility is that? Can she ask him to be more available now? Is that the same as Ben asking for more time or is this Erica being selfish? Is there a way for them both to have their needs met here?

2.  Ben is expecting something he cannot give

Ben has verbally acknowledged the role he plays in their emotional distance. As a result, he is asking Erica to be open to sharing her feelings. Problem is, he is requesting she do so in an environment that is not conducive to this. Ben is able to tell her how he feels, probably because Erica has made this safe for him. As a result,  Erica has been given the  responsibility of being open and honest about her feelings in a situation wherein her feelings are injured because she doesn’t feel as though he has availed himself to consider them.

Typical relationship catch 22. ‘Tell me how you feel even though I haven’t created a safe environment for you to do so.’  It appears as though Ben is available to check in about his distance only because Erica injured his feelings by texting and not calling. However, her silence- though obviously noted by him- did not warrant this check in when it only represented her pain. Why does it feel safer for Ben to use texting as the opening versus addressing their distance overall? ’I care but I only tell/show you when I’m backed into a corner’ is a mixed message that inevitably keeps the relationship feeling insecure for both of them.

3. Ben is so focused on being wrong that he is losing a winning battle

When are compromise and understanding fair and when are they too much to ask? Ben is right. Erica is being distant as a form of protection and yes his busy schedule is contributing to her insecurity. What if Erica owned this? What if she said “yes I don’t feel safe so I’m backing up”? Would Ben then rejoice in being right or would he realize that he now has put himself in the position to truly acknowledge her honesty and pain and adjust his behavior today as opposed to in the few months he has allotted for himself? If he doesn’t what message is he sending? Should Erica not expect him to change and feel obligated to allot a few months for hope that his plate clears and he can be more attentive and engaged or should she remember when he told her “people make time for what they want to make time for”?

Take home message

 

The average person craves honest and open communication but they don’t always realize how much comes with what they seek. To share openly means all parties willingly accept a vulnerable position. Because not everything should be spoken, when we ask someone to unleash everything we have to be prepared for hearing what we may not want to hear…and then humble ourselves to realize it may have been what we needed to hear.

Some may say, ‘I’m not asking for everything, just some things.’ Understandable. Ask yourself who determines what those “somethings” are though. And what if the things you want classify as part of “everything” to the other party? As you untangle this web you may come to find that the best communication is actually the one where you don’t expect complete honesty and allow folks to share what needs to be shared in order to have both their individual needs and the relationship needs met in a selfishly unselfish way. 

If Ben can hear “‘no it’s not okay that you use ‘having so much going on’ as a crutch. I’m not feeling valued and that’s not okay. I want to understand but it’s hard when I feel like I’m the only one understanding” and move towards validation and solution without getting in his feelings and being a victim he is allowing for open communication from an injured partner.

If Erica can hear “your distance feels like punishment and that confuses me. I want us to figure out how to both be okay in this transition” and move towards validation and solution without hearing his words as ‘more excuses and cop outs’ she is allowing for open communication from a trying partner.

In both examples each person is having their individual needs met  (selfishly) while attending to what their relationship is asking for (unselfishly). Neither gave away the store yet both feel heard, loved and valued which allows them to see solution on the horizon. 

 

#WINNING

 

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Promise

I promised myself I wouldn’t have expectations- but then I missed you

-truth is, I’m just jealous that other people can have you

I promise you that I tried not to care – but then I heard from you

-and was angry that it took so long

I promise you that I tried not to show it -but then you teased me

-and it was hard to accept that you couldn’t feel the pain welling in my heart

I promise you I tried to hide it – but then you exposed me

-which made me embarrassed that my expectations turned to jealousy, anger, hurt

I swear I was trying to tell you safely through text – but then you called- repeatedly

-and I was too deep in my feelings and scared….too shy,  to face you

I promised myself  I would  listen- but this time felt so much like last time

-I was lost in the caution that this could be the end

I promise you I tried to fix it -but you deflected; told me to move on

-how could I not feel abandoned by your unwillingness to fight for us?

I swear I tried only to love you- and instead I lost you…and my way

-left regretting that we can’t turn back time and do this day….hell,  maybe all the days, over again

I promise you I wanted….no needed..to be wrong- and then you proved me right

-your silence remains your loudest response

I promised. I promise, I promised.  And you made promises too- but maybe it’s just time to realize

– a promise can truly be a comfort to a fool…..

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Wanted: A Magician

Like most women who meet a guy who feels too good to be true, one of my girlfriends is afraid to like the man she is dating and is crawling away from flirting with the idea of blocking her blessings and instead running straight towards it at full speed. I know this feeling all too well and I love her so I get right into therapist mode, call out the behavior and begin encouraging her off the cliff of no return.

He makes her happy. She smiles when she talks about him. I mean she is telling me about this man making her feel “butterflies”…..if you’ve ever felt them you know how profound this is…… and how natural it is to talk to and spend time with him. He’s attentive, responsible, mature, willing and just as cautious as her. His greatest downfall may be the one thing that he isn’t -a magician. See this man would have to be one in order to achieve the one miracle needed to get the girl- the ability to heal her heart and erase her memory. I don’t know him but my money is on him doing this if he could.

I focus on the butterflies….how rare and beautiful they are. I remind her how we search far and wide for that feeling and what an accomplishment it is to finally find it. I encourage her to embrace and capture those butterflies so they never leave.

I focus on their natural comfort. How rare it is for people to connect and talk for hours like old friends. How the most valuable relationships tend to share this narrative. I encourage her to keep talking, stay open, keep building.

I focus on their shared pain. I encourage her to feel safe knowing he understands and values her pain/caution especially as he holds his own. I paint a picture of a man who has been wronged and therefore is not likely to wrong someone else. I offer my opinion. “He knows what it feels like to be hurt, why would he hurt you? I mean, who does that?!” This is our favorite question to ask each other after all, and we share a much needed laugh.

I focus on her fear being normal and more importantly, valid. “If you weren’t scared you’d be dumb”, I tell her. She was about to be tearful but we share another laugh because she knows I mean it. I tell her that her anxiety is the spirit of her “ex hurts” (i.e..the exes who have caused emotional damage) trying to keep her hurt and alone. I remind her that the devil’s a liar so she has to remind him “not today!” every time he appears in the form of these old, tired memories.

I focus on the past and regret. I encourage her to remember hers. I speak of the benefit to learning from both of them so she doesn’t make more mistakes or harbor more regrets. I remind her how it feels to play shoulda, woulda, coulda and advise her to let him mess this up so she can walk away knowing she did everything she could with no apology.

I focus on her. I see her for who she is, who she was, who she wanted to be, who she deserves to and can/will be. I highlight how she deserves to have a man who leaves her feeling this way. I beg her to not block her blessings and to let this man love her. I see her smile despite herself at this idea, and I am certain in that moment that all of this is only her brain rejecting what her heart is craving.

I sigh as I witness another woman risk having it all because once upon a time she believed in the wrong fairy tale.

And now I lie in bed praying for the courage, tomorrow, to take my own advice.

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My Inspiration

The first boy I remember loving and wanting to impress wasn’t impressed by me at all. I questioned if he loved me on various occasions because at times it felt more like extreme dislike or hate. I was a real inconvenience for him. Couldn’t go out with friends; had to babysit me. Couldn’t do what the average teenager was doing after school; had to take me to ballet class. Couldn’t make one fluff sandwich; had to make two. Couldn’t be the only child; had to share everything with me.

Because of this, my mission became one of gaining his favor. As a result, most of my decisions and actions growing up were fueled by an intense desire to gain his approval.

I remember three things about my journey into womanhood. 1. My mom telling me “make sure when you walk down the street you can walk with your head up high knowing no man you pass has your ticket.” (I thought- what the hell is a ticket and why would some random guy have it?) 2. My dad saying “don’t ever make me say I told you so.” (I questioned : about what dad? You never told me anything!) 3. Knowing that I didn’t want to do anything that would bring shame to my brother. (Clear enough. No questions asked)

When I was in high school and girls my age and younger were dating and jumping into womanhood I was not. Instead of chasing boys I was chasing levels, trying to find the mushrooms and defeat the dragons. I was gaining his favor by mastering Super Mario Brothers.

Nintendo was the craze back then and he had one. I’m sure he had other games too but the two that I remember most are Duck Hunt and Mario. I would watch him play for hours. His friends would come over, cheering each other on, having fun and I’d be in the background unable to take part. I decided then that the only way to move from burden to cool little sister would be to learn and dominate their craft. I had to show him how cool I was so ……..I did.

If ever I was in the house without him I would play. I began to love it too and with that I got better and better. When I did something really great like find hidden treasures or pass a hard level I would pause the game until he and his friends came back inside so they’d see it. They’d all be impressed and sometimes they’d ask how I did it because they couldn’t believe I did. So I would show them and when I did, I was no longer invisible. He’d want to play with me. He would call me downstairs when he was beating a new level to show me the tricks. The pride I saw in his eyes and the closeness I felt no longer allowed me to feel like “just a burden.” I think I might have thought he finally found me to maybe….actually….be cool.

He didn’t just teach me to love Super Mario but he also introduced me to another love we share- football. I watched my first NFL game with him. He set up lounge chairs in the basement tv room and we watched a Chicago Bears game. Didn’t understand a damn thing that was happening but he explained it and I was introduced to William “Refrigerator” Perry. When I went to college, he’d come to my dorm to watch the games with me. Now we watch them together at our parents’ house with our sons.

We also watched The Honeymooners and The Three Stooges. Our New Years tradition used to be watching The Three Stooges Marathon. I didn’t know this then but I definitely know today that I learned to love and appreciate laughter because of him. I also learned what it meant to depend on a man, to share moments with a man and to stand up to a man because of him.

Not sure if he knows this but….because of him and his love of video games at 13 yo I had my first kiss in our basement while I sat watching him and a few of his neighborhood friends playing Nintendo. If my first kiss who is also my first crush (who still reduces me to a school girl when I see him all these years later ?) is reading this he’s probably uncomfortable with this disclosure but hopefully he knows that our relationship today is as important to my journey as the kiss was back then.

When I think about how my obsession with pleasing my brother made me excel at a video game and brought me to my first crush I also realize that it also stopped me from wanting to engage in more girly activities and is probably the real reason some of my closest friends are male and my first kiss/crush has always been my most innocent memory. I won’t lie though- I always wonder what would’ve happened if I pursued my crush after that kiss.

In hindsight this desire to keep my ticket, not hear the dreaded “I told you so” from my dad and make my brother proud may also have been the start of my pursuit of unattainable approval. In short, my parents and my brother were disappointed by me eventually whether they know it or not and I didn’t always capture the approvals I sought, including my own.

I wanted to be the perfect daughter, the perfect little sister, the perfect everything for everyone but that never led to me allowing myself to be the perfectly imperfect me.

I won my brother over with a video game and I think that made me believe I could maybe win other people over too….if I was nice enough, supportive enough, understanding enough. I became a people pleaser who always wanted to gain favor. However, I have yet to gain any worth having. My brother was probably my easiest male feat. After all, the odds were in my favor. Today I’m wiser, more secure and no longer seeking the approval of anyone. He taught me that I didn’t have to because I already secured the one that meant the most.

My brother is the craziest, fiercest, funniest, most intense big brother a perfectionist could ever have. He stood up for me when no one else did and has saved my virtue and my life on countless occasions and because of that I thank my parents every day for buying him Nintendo.

To my brother: I am grateful that I had to work for your favor and it wasn’t just handed over to me out of obligation. Makes it WAY more special.

I’m also grateful that men have disappointed me and that I refrained from certain things out of fear of losing favor. But mostly I’m glad that today I get to tell my brother what he has meant to me.

Happy Birthday to the man who inspired my confidence to fight hard and win and then laugh about it later!!!!

If you weren’t in Jamaica that night you wouldn’t know how real this is! #respectRobinsonsiblings

Love,
Your little sister

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Make Lemonade…..(part 3)

Those who know me best, know that I don’t have time or energy to wallow in how bad something feels. It’s always “on to the next.” I can cut you off and never tell you why because I’ve found that my adversaries tend to know when they have done dirt and only acquiesce to victim in order to garner attention and support. I have neither to waste. “If I cut you off, chances are you handed me the scissors”, should be a bumper sticker on my car. I don’t crave friends, attention or company. I’m naturally a private person and I tend not to share my feelings, so instinctively when I’m going through it and things are hard I retreat even further into private mode. It works for me. However, situation after situation, I saw where this was helpful to me but harmful to some of my relationships.

Let’s get personal………….

Years ago when my marriage was ending my closest friends and even members of my family had no idea until years into our separation and some not until years later after I finally filed for divorce. As a result, you can imagine many of them were deeply offended some of whom still don’t speak to me 11 years later. I meant no disrespect or harm to them. It’s just my nature to handle things on my own. Not because I’m so strong and fierce that I don’t need help and not because I don’t value my friends and family. I’m definitely not any version of that superwoman BUT I am a woman who doesn’t like distraction and tends to hone in on her task at hand. In other words, if complaining won’t help, I’m not doing it. The irony is that many of these same people taught me that complaining to the wrong people just invites judgment and vulnerability that you don’t need into an already difficult situation.

Before I could invite everyone else’s opinion in, I had to come to terms with the embarrassment, pain, and meaning for me and possibly for my son. I had to pick up the pieces, learn about myself, and make a plan that made sense for  my son and I, NOT for everyone else. I had to mother my child and decide what kind of ex-wife/single mother I was going to be. None of that could be accomplished on the phone bashing him to all of  my family and girlfriends, adding him to the “men ain’t shit” list women have been crafting for decades or by dwelling on how sad, angry, violated and betrayed I felt by not just him but by everyone who contributed to it. In this case, outside perspective would not have been helpful.

My most valuable lesson from this was learning the difference between inconvenience and a crisis. The end of my marriage wasn’t a crisis, despite feeling like one. It was, however, an inconvenience. My crisis was initially not knowing the difference. It took waking up (literally and figuratively) and finally realizing that myself and my son were A okay by ourselves to experience the perfect freedom- a freedom I wish for everyone finding themselves in a place of crisis and/or inconvenience. It is the only place where change is no longer an annoying telemarketer you avoid but instead the best friend whom you welcome in…that tall glass of whatever that relaxes  you and offers new perspective after a long day.. What does this freedom look like?  Well, the beauty of it, is that it is entirely up to you. For me, it is how I am able to craft this blog and share feelings and ideas I typically refrain from sharing.

In one of my favorite movies, The Sound Of Music, upon embarking on a new unplanned journey that she was weary about, Fraulein Maria said “when the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.” Her belief in this allowed her to accept the challenge and move forward,  open to whatever came next and to find the lesson in it. The beauty of this movie is how much it mirrors real life. The Von Trapp family had no idea what she would bring to their lives and she was tested time and time again. How she gained control in each situation was by refusing to be the victim and allowing everyone to show themselves, without them ever realizing that was what they were doing. She never responded how they expected when she was faced with adversity, which kept them interested in what she would do next. However, despite initially being open, she questioned whether the purpose she found was her true purpose after all and slammed her “window” shut. It wasn’t the purpose/reasoning she was looking for and because of this, she rejected it all together. Sound familiar?

This line stayed with me since I first saw this movie as a child. I remember asking my mother what it meant and feeling protected as she explained it. It is this reframe that has built me not to fall victim to circumstance but instead be open to finding my proverbial windows. Now I’m not perfect. I definitely engaged in nonsense and allowed myself to get baited into negative dialogue and behavior. My hurt definitely showed itself. Today, I understand that every behavior serves a function. It wasn’t until I realized that my behavior’s function was counterproductive to the peace I was craving that I was able to take a step back and change my approach.

As I reconstructed my life sans husband, my greatest accomplishments could no longer be all the things society said women my age should  have completed (i.e…marriage, motherhood, etc..) in order to be worthy but instead became all of the things the odds said I wouldn’t be able to accomplish because of what occurred in my life up until that moment. (that’s a blog post all of its own!)

This became a challenge to do something I have always struggled with- relinquish control – and trust the process. I had to stop waiting for him to “just do xyz “ and trust that I can get back to abc on my own. I learned to “let go and let God” manage the deliverers of disrespect who searched far and wide for me during my divorce and gave life to ONLY what opened my windows wider. This change of focus allow me to succeed personally and professionally. I was able to complete my masters degree, obtain a job in my field of interest, raise an AMAZING, happy, resilient now 11 yr old son, buy my first home, and allow myself to fall in love again. The sun is  still beaming through my windows!!

My mother raised me to believe that though I would want a man, I didn’t “need” one. When we first split I believed that I needed him to stay. Needed him to want me. But he didn’t. Eventually, his behavior and the broken promises stopped being because of how complicated our relationship had become and became quite simply an indication of how much I needed him to never return. This is when what my mother taught me made sense. So….my translation- if I didn’t need a man to make me happy, I definitely didn’t need one to make me feel this bad either. Now, don’t get me wrong. I tried to save my marriage because I value commitment and the idea of “til death do us part” BUT like all relationships, a marriage is only as good as the sum of its parts. And as a woman who knows her limits I could not ignore the fact that one can only bend as far as their boundaries allow. I wanted my marriage to last but I needed to not have to sell my soul to make it happen.

To be  fair- it wasn’t all bad but the value in living good with others is knowing that its easier to remember what hurt than what felt good. And to be honest, I have always learned more from the bad than the good.

I say all of this to say, we tend to be comfortable in crisis and uncomfortable with change. Until we make a shift, our path remains monotonous and the scenery never changes. We just keep passing the same areas, time and time again, wondering why we seem to be traveling in circles.

So what should you do?

Well….change sometimes happens best slowly and in small doses. Start by taking note of your current scenery. Notice the areas you’ve passed on multiple occasions that symbolize your rut and retrace your steps. Surely you missed opportunities for diversion. Was it because you weren’t ready to choose an alternative route? Was it because you always manage things that way and refused to change? Or maybe because you are still waiting for someone else to change first?

Victims- wait to be saved. Wild cards-save themselves. Which one are you?

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Make Lemonade……. (part 2)

The picture is clearer from the outside looking in than from the inside looking in.

Because of this, despite how frustrating it is to feel judged- sometimes we need to LISTEN to perspective. Not listening to things we don’t want to hear is definitely common and sometimes completely warranted but one of the greatest mistakes we make in life, is choosing to not listen period. By doing so, we miss good intention, good advice, alternative views, things we hadn’t considered, and often the things we didn’t want to hear but NEEDED to. If you don’t want to utilize whatever jewels are offered in these moments, that’s your choice but I suggest that you put them in your toolbox for later. Trust me- one day you may find that they may prove useful.

With age (not necessarily by years but by days) and time comes wisdom. We are who we are today because of what life has taught us through our upbringing, experiences, and what we did with all those moments when we were forced to fight to catch our breath. If we didn’t trust ourselves to analyze those experiences and make meaning of them, we basked in all we didn’t have and didn’t do, losing valuable time wherein we could be accessing better than what we wanted to have and dreamed of doing. We are all guilty of this in some area of our life. Problem is- it defaults us to feeling victimized, robbing us of an opportunity to feel like and BE a survivor. Let’s put this in perspective.

In part one I mentioned assuming the role of victim or wild card. I’ll explore that more here:

VICTIM: When you occupy this role, folks know what comes next. It’s all eyes on you as you structure the grandest pity party laden with “whoa is me!”,  “can you believe he/she/they would do that to me?”,  “I don’t know what I’m going to do now!” and/or any variation of the three. People tend to hate being around you in this state though because people who dwell in problems bring down your spirit. And don’t let this be a repeat situation that you have fallen victim to before because now sympathy and empathy are long gone and folks are completely disinterested in hearing ANYTHING you have to say about a situation they feel you didn’t learn from the first three times it happened.

WILD CARD: When you occupy this role, by the nature of its definition, no one knows what to expect from you. You are unpredictable and your value can only be determined by who holds your card- YOU. In my humble opinion, this is where ALL of your power lies. You let the situation play out and ignore the incessant need to react and be heard. Instead you watch. You allow them to show their hand and remain uncommitted to any form of resolution. This is confusing for your adversary (more so when you have routinely assumed the victim role) and empowers their interest in drawing you out. However, you have the upper hand. You can’t be drawn out because you know that they are trying to revert you back into your previous role. Once there, they can control you and make you resume feeling bad and believing that feeling better lies only within your engaging with them. You have to play smart here. If you are not careful this is where you can get baited and lose control. Nothing is worse that confidently dropping a WILD card only for your opponent to drop a WILD/Draw Four, putting you back under their thumb scrambling to decide which road to take next.

Take home message:  Life sucks. We hurt people and they hurt us. We can’t get stuck here, though. Every experience is a learning experience and sometimes the lessons come fast and furious and sometimes they come slowly. Regardless of their delivery the value comes from your ability to recognize that help doesn’t always look like help. FACT: sometimes the people who hurt you the most, turn out to be the most valuable contributors to your story.

Stay tuned……Part 3 coming soon……