So a few weeks ago, I grit my teeth and go to the registry after procrastinating for two weeks. To my surprise there is no line and not a lot of people waiting. I get right up to the desk to explain what I need done but my excitement is short-lived when I am told that my paperwork is not complete and that I would have to complete it before receiving a number. Being that I am doing this for my dad, I realize that I have to leave and come back on another day. I return home, complete the paperwork but decide to return before going to work just in case I can complete the transaction and not have to return the following day when my son will be with me.
When I go back the line is out the door and the wait seems endless. I was R96 and R39 was just called as I take my seat. I wait for a little over two hours before realizing I had to leave in order to make it to work on time. The only saving grace is that I saw a high school friend (shout out to J. Rosa) and was able to catch up for a bit with him.
So, after two trips to the registry, my now completed paperwork and I leave with business unsettled and plans to return the next day, son in tow.
I wasn’t happy about having to come back but it didn’t exactly bother me either. I felt like the universe sent me home to come back because if I didn’t I wouldn’t have had the pleasure of seeing an old friend. And maybe seeing each other set some energy in motion that we aren’t even aware of. What I didn’t know was that my true gift from the universe would be delivered on my third trip when I would meet Y31.
The rest of this post is a letter I wrote to Y31 detailing how I experienced her. Fair warning- it’s a LONG post. Some of you may read it and agree with me and others not.
Anaïs Nin said it best -“we don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are.”
Meet Y31.
Dear Y31,
We haven’t officially met but we shared a pivotal moment. We occupied the same space at the same time, with the same issue yet our experience couldn’t have been more different.
Like you, I was waiting to hear my number at the registry on a 95 degree day with probably hundreds of other people over a span of two plus hours.
Before we “met”, my son said that he was thirsty so I pulled a bottle of Dasani water out of my bag. He was taken aback by my ability to provide him what he needed so I had to explain that there are endless possibilities inside a mom purse. This gave birth to a game around what miscellaneous things it actually occupied. See, he was bored and knew we’d be there for awhile but lucky for me, he was also intrigued by the idea of a mom purse. Because of that, this game occupied him for several rounds during which he laughed, learned, lived and survived.
The unfortunate reality is that the registry is not known for delivering a quick turnaround. One has to commit hours, if not the better part of their day really, to this venture. Everyone who has ever had to go or has spoken to someone who has had to go, knows this. You were there to renew your license, so you’re familiar with the process. However, you may have forgotten because from the moment we “met” you complained for hours as if your wait was an indication of the world purposefully working against you. During those hours, I wondered if you knew how you sounded or if you noticed how much you annoyed the women in front of us. And now I wonder if you would even care if you did know.
How we met
My registry experience changed when the gentleman next to my son got up allowing the lady accompanying you to sit down. She immediately proceeded to move closer to my son, in order to make space for you to sit as well, as if it wasn’t 95 degrees outside and as if she didn’t believe that his personal space deserved to be respected. I wondered if either of you realized how fitting two people in a space for one made my son uncomfortable so he got up and switched to my other side so she was no longer sitting on top of him. Her reaction demonstrated that she did notice, though her only recognition of his message was her inching closer to me. She nor you made apology showing him that neither of you cared about his (or my) discomfort.
Were you both really that oblivious to the adjustments everyone on our bench had to make in order for you two to sit down? You both appeared to feel as though we had to move. As if the comfortable space left between strangers was not necessary because it didn’t favor you. This was my perception. No “excuse me.” No “thank you.” No “sorry.” No acknowledgement of anyone’s sacrifice. You appeared entitled. Again my perception. So I’m asking for clarification. Did you feel that we should sacrifice our comfort for you? Like we owed you that?
And here our story begins. Initially you did what we all did when we settled in. You looked at the screen searching for the last number in your category that was called so you could gauge how long your wait would be. Most people sighed and resigned to indulging in Facebook and Instagram, while your assessment resulted in nonstop complaint. The more you complained, the more your companion inquired if you wanted to leave and come back another day. I wondered if that made you realize how she did not share in your exasperation but instead heard “this is a problem” and offered you a valid solution, which you repeatedly shot down. Because of this, she consistently assured you that the numbers were moving and that you would be called “soon”, which you also repeatedly shot down. I’m not sure she believed that though because the process was pretty slow in the grand scheme of things but she was offering you an olive branch hoping it would make you more at ease. I wondered how many people in your life attempt to pacify or indulge in your nonsense and sacrifice themselves to make you happy.
You criticized the process and questioned how they assign numbers and why certain numbers were called more frequently than others. You opined that the Y’s who were called had lengthy transactions and therefore were taking too long. You rationalized that the system was flawed because you were a Y and “all they have to do is take my picture. Why can’t I just go do it?” You appeared to believe your time was more valuable than the room full of people waiting hours before you arrived and that none of their needs were as important or as simple as yours. At one point you realized that progress had slowed down but you didn’t notice that it was also lunchtime. I wondered where else in your life this aloofness and sense of entitlement served you well.
As I sat in wonder, I took in all the things happening around us that you were missing as you sat in your despair awaiting “now serving Y31 at counter #……”
A pregnant woman and her partner came in and had nowhere to sit. A man to our right willingly got up for them to sit down. A woman walking through an aisle next to us dropped something and a man she passed vacated his seat to pick it up and follow her in order to return it. A couple and their baby came in to sit on the bench in front of us and the woman rudely suggested that the man sitting at the end move in so she and her family could sit. He eventually did, but she didn’t say thank you until after her partner leaned in and got the man’s attention in order to offer his appreciation. In addition to this couple, there were families with babies…like baby babies…months old who were laughing and talking amongst themselves. There were strangers talking to each other to pass the time….some who actually made friends to the point where after they completed their transactions they came back out to find their new friends before leaving. All of these incidents occurred literally within your arm span. Did you notice ANY of it?
Well, I know you did notice at least one of the many babies that accompanied their parents because you and your companion commented on how cute she was. Then I heard you ask her if she thought people would be offended if you asked to hold their baby or if they would be okay with it “the way they are when you ask to pet their dog.”
You noticed how cute one baby was but did you notice how happy and calm all of the babies were? Did you notice how quietly they experienced the wait? There were at least four. Not one of them cried. This was most likely due to the fact that their parents were calm. They played with the babies..entertained them… distracted them. They enjoyed their moment. You appeared to miss all of that too. I say this because if you had, it would’ve been impossible not to humble yourself to them. Instead, you saw them as shiny objects and compared asking to hold them to asking to pet a dog.
Your companion didn’t give you a straight answer, so I will. Yes, to sane parents it’s offensive to even consider that asking to hold their child is the same as asking to pet a dog. Children are defenseless to kidnappers, pedophiles and your germs. Parents are their only protection. A dog can and will bite an enemy that approaches it. Pet all the dogs you want but I suggest you keep your hands off of a stranger’s baby. I can’t help but wonder why you would even need to vet this idea.
You stated that they only called Y numbers “every half hour.” When Y23 was called and they didn’t appear right away you said to your companion (more than once), “if they don’t want to go, can I go for them?” Again your companion didn’t give you a straight answer. Instead, she kind of ambivalently entertained the idea. Initially I wondered why she didn’t tell you how crazy that was but then I wondered if you were seriously asking that because …why would you think that you could be seen in their place instead of let’s say…. I don’t know…..Y24? So…… were you serious?
Then we heard….
“now serving M18 at counter #……”
“now serving O65 at counter #……”
“now serving R65 at counter #……”
“now serving PO17 at counter #……”
This exasperated your despair even more! You asked (loudly I might add) “why are R’s so special?” and wondered what are they here for. The women in front of us were called then (R67). They were relieved. The roll of their eyes as they got up led me to believe they were more relieved about no longer having to listen to you. You commented on them being called. Your companion reminded you that they were there when you arrived. Didn’t matter to you though. You then went to your car and came back with water and snacks. You talked at length of your water and the snacks as if you found the cure for a debilitating disease as opposed to it either simply being good preparation for a long wait….(oh it couldn’t have been that because you clearly weren’t prepared to wait)…. maybe you just happened to have snacks that came in handy, when you felt like having a snack. I wondered what purpose it serves to exaggerate and catastrophize even the smallest things in life in order to make them bigger and more important than they really are.
You repeatedly complained that you took the day off work to be there. Isn’t that what most people do? I wondered if you thought that you were the only person with a job and that no one else made a sacrifice of their time to be there as well. What would you say if you knew that the woman quietly sitting next to you was there for the third time in two days?
When the tables turned….
The supervisor came out and announced that their passport verification system was down and began speaking with people individually to explain what this meant for them. You inserted yourself amongst the group and pleaded your case. You requested that she explain how numbers are distributed and why R was called so often, which she did. You explained that you had been waiting for two hours and that you were “still 6 numbers away from being called.” She validated your frustration and began to give her passport verification spiel (after all that’s the issue she came out to address) when you explained that “all” you needed was to have your picture taken. She suggested you come another day or return later and you explained that you took the day off to be there. You complained of the lag in numbers being called. She explained her staff’s lunch schedules and that she would help you if she was at her window and not on her way to lunch. She suggested you return in an hour and a half and come to her window. You told her you were concerned about returning and not being helped because again you “already” took today off. She explained that you would be seen as long as you returned before 5pm. You asked your companion for a pen and told the supervisor that you needed her name, “just in case”, and then you left….to go to lunch.
What I learned
You did the same thing your companion repeatedly suggested two hours prior that you scoffed at. I did wonder if that annoyed her but I no longer wondered a lot of the other things that crossed my mind. I knew where else entitlement worked for you. I saw it firsthand. I knew people pacified you. I knew that you weren’t built to suffer and not have because no one made you sit in either seat. I knew that you have always known how to get your needs met even at the expense of others. I knew that the difference between us wasn’t just patience (which ironically I don’t have much of) and common sense but a respect for order, for others and for the ability to trust the process even when you don’t fully understand it.
I changed my lens here. I stopped being annoyed by you and decided to see you. We interact with the world the way the world interacts with us. I wanted you to be like everyone else quietly annoyed by the wait but that wasn’t fair because you weren’t built and/or breed for that life. You aren’t going to sacrifice your comfort for others….to allow someone else’s well being and/or suffering to trump yours. You weren’t breed for what I’ve come to know as real life….what half of this world has come to know as real life. At one point you talked of a “friend” who owed you money that you felt was trying to manipulate you. You vowed not to speak to her. I noticed that time and time again, things were happening to you. The R’s, the M’s, the Y’s ….everyone called before Y31 -were all happening to you.
I’m not sure if it was because your negative energy left with you or if everyone was back from lunch, but once you were gone the numbers were called more often, including the Ys. The man who took your seat was M22. He only sat there for what must have been 2 minutes. He spoke to the supervisor after you left because he had been waiting for hours as well. He considered leaving too but he didn’t. Next number called was…M22. He was so happy. Said he was glad he waited. So was I.
My number was called probably 30 minutes later and I was finally able to complete my transaction and leave. Box checked. You, however, have to return before 5pm, and wait to be helped with all of the people who were using passports to verify their identity that left to either retrieve a birth certificate or to give the system time to reboot (all of whom that supervisor also told to ask for her when they return). You, who considered your time to be so precious, remain at the whim of the numbers being called at the registry. Did you stop to notice how many people left before you spoke with the supervisor and consider how that affected your chances of being seen sooner rather than later? I don’t think you did. Because you were so consumed with how the registry wasn’t working for you, and determined to outwit it, you worked against yourself. By the time I left – the Ys were closer to 31. Y32 was happy you left. So was I.
No one enjoyed that wait. No one ever does. But everyone, including the babies and children, and definitely the people with passports dealt with it. That was the choice they made. They knew what you don’t- that in this life shit happens and things rarely come easy….. well aside from the one thing that happens often and without fail – inconvenience. To believe that nothing happens without purpose allows one to appreciate inconvenience as a puzzle they can assemble in order to discover a lesson. I think you saw the experience as an example of the registry being unorganized, which it may very well be, and not an example of how when things fall apart, people can put them back together. (if that confused you see the list of things I asked if you missed)
Choice. It’s an important power we all have. We choose how to respond and how to feel. These choices are built from our cognition as this determines our perceptions. Because you perceive yourself as a victim being one works for you. You relish in that skin. It’s how you narrate your story. How you’ve gotten your needs met. Though I’m sure this has worked to your favor, it has also done you a grave injustice. Your distress tolerance is low. Absent is the understanding that pain is temporary. Oh to be a fly on your wall when life takes a swing at you and connects. I shudder to think how you’d manage traffic, childbirth, shopping during the holidays, waiting at your favorite restaurant, an appointment at a beauty salon, waiting in line for the restroom, or counting down the hours to New Years Day… if you can’t handle sitting in a registry for hours. You can’t complain and demand that everyone get out of your way to have your needs met in these situations so what will you do the day no one budges?
The therapist in me wanted to offer validation and reframe, like I saw others doing for each other but the woman in me just wanted you to be quiet and wait. I just wanted you to feel relieved every time you saw someone getting called because you knew that got you one step closer to your turn. I wanted you to appreciate the fact that you arrived hours before all of the new people who were just coming in. Appreciate the fact that you had a seat unlike the dozens of people standing along the walls. I just wanted you to enjoy your water and snacks because so many people must have been thirsty and starving. I wanted you to pay your dues and not upset the system. Not usurp someone else’s wait because you wanted to be catered to. I wanted the supervisor to tell you that you had to wait like everyone else. I didn’t want you pacified. I wanted you uncomfortable so you could earn being comfortable. I just wanted you to stop being wrapped so snug in your victim skin and be a warrior like my son…like the babies….like the people who stayed knowing the passport system may not come back up. I wanted you to try on my cape and fit into what probably would have felt like a fairytale to you.
But my cape wouldn’t fit you and for that I am grateful. My cape is for me. It is how I get through this world. It is how I get up every time I’m knocked down. It’s how I remember that I’ve seen those moves before and learn to bob and weave when the punches come again. It’s how I keep it moving gracefully and purposefully forward even when all I want to do is retreat. My cape is what separates me from the Y31s in the world who are so uncomfortable sitting in their skin that they try to rush through life as if the rules don’t apply to them.
You highlighted the carefree spirit of the babies, the resilience of my son, and my continued growth. Your despair allowed me to recognize and praise my son’s patience through a different lens. I expected him to just deal even though I knew it would be hard for him. I’m sure he was thinking how much he’d rather be on his Xbox yet he didn’t complain. Not once. He knew that we had a task to complete and that complaining wasn’t helping it happen sooner. He’s only 11. Eleven and interested in having fun, but somehow I raised him to grasp the value of thugging through uncomfortable situations. I’m not sure I realized that before. Not sure he did either. And now because of you, when we forget, we agreed to remind each other that we are wild cards, not Y31. So we thank you for putting example to its importance.
You don’t have to be like me and I don’t mean to imply that you should. However, I do believe that you and everyone around you would experience less anxiety and stress if you learned how to experience life and not have it experience you. Every day is an opportunity to challenge yourself to suffer a little bit. An opportunity to move like a warrior and not like someone being hunted. Be mindful. Allow my son, those babies you wanted to hold and everyone in the registry to demonstrate the beauty of going with the flow and the power of not falling victim to people, places and things. Laugh, learn, live, survive.
You do lack empathy and social skills so one day I’m sure you will ask to hold someone’s baby and their response will be an offer to help you to realize that there are people in this world who will not pacify nonsense. And maybe..just maybe… then ……you will finally learn…..
to laugh at yourself
that life is inconvenient
that discomfort truly is temporary
that even you can survive
Until then………try your best
Sincerely registered and at peace,
R76
