Those who know me best, know that I don’t have time or energy to wallow in how bad something feels. It’s always “on to the next.” I can cut you off and never tell you why because I’ve found that my adversaries tend to know when they have done dirt and only acquiesce to victim in order to garner attention and support. I have neither to waste. “If I cut you off, chances are you handed me the scissors”, should be a bumper sticker on my car. I don’t crave friends, attention or company. I’m naturally a private person and I tend not to share my feelings, so instinctively when I’m going through it and things are hard I retreat even further into private mode. It works for me. However, situation after situation, I saw where this was helpful to me but harmful to some of my relationships.
Let’s get personal………….
Years ago when my marriage was ending my closest friends and even members of my family had no idea until years into our separation and some not until years later after I finally filed for divorce. As a result, you can imagine many of them were deeply offended some of whom still don’t speak to me 11 years later. I meant no disrespect or harm to them. It’s just my nature to handle things on my own. Not because I’m so strong and fierce that I don’t need help and not because I don’t value my friends and family. I’m definitely not any version of that superwoman BUT I am a woman who doesn’t like distraction and tends to hone in on her task at hand. In other words, if complaining won’t help, I’m not doing it. The irony is that many of these same people taught me that complaining to the wrong people just invites judgment and vulnerability that you don’t need into an already difficult situation.
Before I could invite everyone else’s opinion in, I had to come to terms with the embarrassment, pain, and meaning for me and possibly for my son. I had to pick up the pieces, learn about myself, and make a plan that made sense for my son and I, NOT for everyone else. I had to mother my child and decide what kind of ex-wife/single mother I was going to be. None of that could be accomplished on the phone bashing him to all of my family and girlfriends, adding him to the “men ain’t shit” list women have been crafting for decades or by dwelling on how sad, angry, violated and betrayed I felt by not just him but by everyone who contributed to it. In this case, outside perspective would not have been helpful.
My most valuable lesson from this was learning the difference between inconvenience and a crisis. The end of my marriage wasn’t a crisis, despite feeling like one. It was, however, an inconvenience. My crisis was initially not knowing the difference. It took waking up (literally and figuratively) and finally realizing that myself and my son were A okay by ourselves to experience the perfect freedom- a freedom I wish for everyone finding themselves in a place of crisis and/or inconvenience. It is the only place where change is no longer an annoying telemarketer you avoid but instead the best friend whom you welcome in…that tall glass of whatever that relaxes you and offers new perspective after a long day.. What does this freedom look like? Well, the beauty of it, is that it is entirely up to you. For me, it is how I am able to craft this blog and share feelings and ideas I typically refrain from sharing.
In one of my favorite movies, The Sound Of Music, upon embarking on a new unplanned journey that she was weary about, Fraulein Maria said “when the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.” Her belief in this allowed her to accept the challenge and move forward, open to whatever came next and to find the lesson in it. The beauty of this movie is how much it mirrors real life. The Von Trapp family had no idea what she would bring to their lives and she was tested time and time again. How she gained control in each situation was by refusing to be the victim and allowing everyone to show themselves, without them ever realizing that was what they were doing. She never responded how they expected when she was faced with adversity, which kept them interested in what she would do next. However, despite initially being open, she questioned whether the purpose she found was her true purpose after all and slammed her “window” shut. It wasn’t the purpose/reasoning she was looking for and because of this, she rejected it all together. Sound familiar?
This line stayed with me since I first saw this movie as a child. I remember asking my mother what it meant and feeling protected as she explained it. It is this reframe that has built me not to fall victim to circumstance but instead be open to finding my proverbial windows. Now I’m not perfect. I definitely engaged in nonsense and allowed myself to get baited into negative dialogue and behavior. My hurt definitely showed itself. Today, I understand that every behavior serves a function. It wasn’t until I realized that my behavior’s function was counterproductive to the peace I was craving that I was able to take a step back and change my approach.
As I reconstructed my life sans husband, my greatest accomplishments could no longer be all the things society said women my age should have completed (i.e…marriage, motherhood, etc..) in order to be worthy but instead became all of the things the odds said I wouldn’t be able to accomplish because of what occurred in my life up until that moment. (that’s a blog post all of its own!)
This became a challenge to do something I have always struggled with- relinquish control – and trust the process. I had to stop waiting for him to “just do xyz “ and trust that I can get back to abc on my own. I learned to “let go and let God” manage the deliverers of disrespect who searched far and wide for me during my divorce and gave life to ONLY what opened my windows wider. This change of focus allow me to succeed personally and professionally. I was able to complete my masters degree, obtain a job in my field of interest, raise an AMAZING, happy, resilient now 11 yr old son, buy my first home, and allow myself to fall in love again. The sun is still beaming through my windows!!
My mother raised me to believe that though I would want a man, I didn’t “need” one. When we first split I believed that I needed him to stay. Needed him to want me. But he didn’t. Eventually, his behavior and the broken promises stopped being because of how complicated our relationship had become and became quite simply an indication of how much I needed him to never return. This is when what my mother taught me made sense. So….my translation- if I didn’t need a man to make me happy, I definitely didn’t need one to make me feel this bad either. Now, don’t get me wrong. I tried to save my marriage because I value commitment and the idea of “til death do us part” BUT like all relationships, a marriage is only as good as the sum of its parts. And as a woman who knows her limits I could not ignore the fact that one can only bend as far as their boundaries allow. I wanted my marriage to last but I needed to not have to sell my soul to make it happen.
To be fair- it wasn’t all bad but the value in living good with others is knowing that its easier to remember what hurt than what felt good. And to be honest, I have always learned more from the bad than the good.
I say all of this to say, we tend to be comfortable in crisis and uncomfortable with change. Until we make a shift, our path remains monotonous and the scenery never changes. We just keep passing the same areas, time and time again, wondering why we seem to be traveling in circles.
So what should you do?
Well….change sometimes happens best slowly and in small doses. Start by taking note of your current scenery. Notice the areas you’ve passed on multiple occasions that symbolize your rut and retrace your steps. Surely you missed opportunities for diversion. Was it because you weren’t ready to choose an alternative route? Was it because you always manage things that way and refused to change? Or maybe because you are still waiting for someone else to change first?
Victims- wait to be saved. Wild cards-save themselves. Which one are you?