The first boy I remember loving and wanting to impress wasn’t impressed by me at all. I questioned if he loved me on various occasions because at times it felt more like extreme dislike or hate. I was a real inconvenience for him. Couldn’t go out with friends; had to babysit me. Couldn’t do what the average teenager was doing after school; had to take me to ballet class. Couldn’t make one fluff sandwich; had to make two. Couldn’t be the only child; had to share everything with me.
Because of this, my mission became one of gaining his favor. As a result, most of my decisions and actions growing up were fueled by an intense desire to gain his approval.
I remember three things about my journey into womanhood. 1. My mom telling me “make sure when you walk down the street you can walk with your head up high knowing no man you pass has your ticket.” (I thought- what the hell is a ticket and why would some random guy have it?) 2. My dad saying “don’t ever make me say I told you so.” (I questioned : about what dad? You never told me anything!) 3. Knowing that I didn’t want to do anything that would bring shame to my brother. (Clear enough. No questions asked)
When I was in high school and girls my age and younger were dating and jumping into womanhood I was not. Instead of chasing boys I was chasing levels, trying to find the mushrooms and defeat the dragons. I was gaining his favor by mastering Super Mario Brothers.
Nintendo was the craze back then and he had one. I’m sure he had other games too but the two that I remember most are Duck Hunt and Mario. I would watch him play for hours. His friends would come over, cheering each other on, having fun and I’d be in the background unable to take part. I decided then that the only way to move from burden to cool little sister would be to learn and dominate their craft. I had to show him how cool I was so ……..I did.
If ever I was in the house without him I would play. I began to love it too and with that I got better and better. When I did something really great like find hidden treasures or pass a hard level I would pause the game until he and his friends came back inside so they’d see it. They’d all be impressed and sometimes they’d ask how I did it because they couldn’t believe I did. So I would show them and when I did, I was no longer invisible. He’d want to play with me. He would call me downstairs when he was beating a new level to show me the tricks. The pride I saw in his eyes and the closeness I felt no longer allowed me to feel like “just a burden.” I think I might have thought he finally found me to maybe….actually….be cool.
He didn’t just teach me to love Super Mario but he also introduced me to another love we share- football. I watched my first NFL game with him. He set up lounge chairs in the basement tv room and we watched a Chicago Bears game. Didn’t understand a damn thing that was happening but he explained it and I was introduced to William “Refrigerator” Perry. When I went to college, he’d come to my dorm to watch the games with me. Now we watch them together at our parents’ house with our sons.
We also watched The Honeymooners and The Three Stooges. Our New Years tradition used to be watching The Three Stooges Marathon. I didn’t know this then but I definitely know today that I learned to love and appreciate laughter because of him. I also learned what it meant to depend on a man, to share moments with a man and to stand up to a man because of him.
Not sure if he knows this but….because of him and his love of video games at 13 yo I had my first kiss in our basement while I sat watching him and a few of his neighborhood friends playing Nintendo. If my first kiss who is also my first crush (who still reduces me to a school girl when I see him all these years later ?) is reading this he’s probably uncomfortable with this disclosure but hopefully he knows that our relationship today is as important to my journey as the kiss was back then.
When I think about how my obsession with pleasing my brother made me excel at a video game and brought me to my first crush I also realize that it also stopped me from wanting to engage in more girly activities and is probably the real reason some of my closest friends are male and my first kiss/crush has always been my most innocent memory. I won’t lie though- I always wonder what would’ve happened if I pursued my crush after that kiss.
In hindsight this desire to keep my ticket, not hear the dreaded “I told you so” from my dad and make my brother proud may also have been the start of my pursuit of unattainable approval. In short, my parents and my brother were disappointed by me eventually whether they know it or not and I didn’t always capture the approvals I sought, including my own.
I wanted to be the perfect daughter, the perfect little sister, the perfect everything for everyone but that never led to me allowing myself to be the perfectly imperfect me.
I won my brother over with a video game and I think that made me believe I could maybe win other people over too….if I was nice enough, supportive enough, understanding enough. I became a people pleaser who always wanted to gain favor. However, I have yet to gain any worth having. My brother was probably my easiest male feat. After all, the odds were in my favor. Today I’m wiser, more secure and no longer seeking the approval of anyone. He taught me that I didn’t have to because I already secured the one that meant the most.
My brother is the craziest, fiercest, funniest, most intense big brother a perfectionist could ever have. He stood up for me when no one else did and has saved my virtue and my life on countless occasions and because of that I thank my parents every day for buying him Nintendo.
To my brother: I am grateful that I had to work for your favor and it wasn’t just handed over to me out of obligation. Makes it WAY more special.
I’m also grateful that men have disappointed me and that I refrained from certain things out of fear of losing favor. But mostly I’m glad that today I get to tell my brother what he has meant to me.
Happy Birthday to the man who inspired my confidence to fight hard and win and then laugh about it later!!!!
If you weren’t in Jamaica that night you wouldn’t know how real this is! #respectRobinsonsiblings
Love,
Your little sister