Like most women who meet a guy who feels too good to be true, one of my girlfriends is afraid to like the man she is dating and is crawling away from flirting with the idea of blocking her blessings and instead running straight towards it at full speed. I know this feeling all too well and I love her so I get right into therapist mode, call out the behavior and begin encouraging her off the cliff of no return.
He makes her happy. She smiles when she talks about him. I mean she is telling me about this man making her feel “butterflies”…..if you’ve ever felt them you know how profound this is…… and how natural it is to talk to and spend time with him. He’s attentive, responsible, mature, willing and just as cautious as her. His greatest downfall may be the one thing that he isn’t -a magician. See this man would have to be one in order to achieve the one miracle needed to get the girl- the ability to heal her heart and erase her memory. I don’t know him but my money is on him doing this if he could.
I focus on the butterflies….how rare and beautiful they are. I remind her how we search far and wide for that feeling and what an accomplishment it is to finally find it. I encourage her to embrace and capture those butterflies so they never leave.
I focus on their natural comfort. How rare it is for people to connect and talk for hours like old friends. How the most valuable relationships tend to share this narrative. I encourage her to keep talking, stay open, keep building.
I focus on their shared pain. I encourage her to feel safe knowing he understands and values her pain/caution especially as he holds his own. I paint a picture of a man who has been wronged and therefore is not likely to wrong someone else. I offer my opinion. “He knows what it feels like to be hurt, why would he hurt you? I mean, who does that?!” This is our favorite question to ask each other after all, and we share a much needed laugh.
I focus on her fear being normal and more importantly, valid. “If you weren’t scared you’d be dumb”, I tell her. She was about to be tearful but we share another laugh because she knows I mean it. I tell her that her anxiety is the spirit of her “ex hurts” (i.e..the exes who have caused emotional damage) trying to keep her hurt and alone. I remind her that the devil’s a liar so she has to remind him “not today!” every time he appears in the form of these old, tired memories.
I focus on the past and regret. I encourage her to remember hers. I speak of the benefit to learning from both of them so she doesn’t make more mistakes or harbor more regrets. I remind her how it feels to play shoulda, woulda, coulda and advise her to let him mess this up so she can walk away knowing she did everything she could with no apology.
I focus on her. I see her for who she is, who she was, who she wanted to be, who she deserves to and can/will be. I highlight how she deserves to have a man who leaves her feeling this way. I beg her to not block her blessings and to let this man love her. I see her smile despite herself at this idea, and I am certain in that moment that all of this is only her brain rejecting what her heart is craving.
I sigh as I witness another woman risk having it all because once upon a time she believed in the wrong fairy tale.
And now I lie in bed praying for the courage, tomorrow, to take my own advice.