Tag: Perspective

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Expectations

Expectations. We’re told we need to have them…as guidelines….but do you know exactly what yours are guiding you to?

The average person wants what they want at any cost but rarely considers the actual possibility of it happening in the real life they are living versus the one they have decided, craved, imagined.

I don’t know about you but –

I expect help to come if I call. However, I’ve found that it doesn’t always work like that.

I expect children to listen to their parents. I’ve found that sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t.

I expect the sun to rise and set every day. So far so good BUT the verdict is still out on how this plays out today.

And for as long as I can remember, I’ve expected the people who mattered at various points in my life to follow the scripts I’ve written that they’ve never seen. Surprise, surprise-I found that they will fail me every time.

So…..

I’ve learned to help myself. I’ve learned to yell and make demands. I’ve learned to enjoy the moment and not always worry about what comes next. I’ve learned to love and I’ve learned to lose. Most importantly I’ve learned to try again and again and never stop having expectations. I never felt the need to stop wanting what I want just because no one stepped up to give it to me. Instead I kept trying to figure out how to get it. Sometimes instead of deleting, I had to add expectations. So now I also expect things to fall apart. I expect no one to be perfect. I expect nothing to come easy. And I still refuse to ever stop expecting.

Remember Ben and Erica?

One day during a conflict they have had multiple times, Ben tells Erica  “insanity is doing the same thing over and over…..” She sighed in disagreement. It wasn’t insanity.  She had faith.

He said move on; look elsewhere. Wondered why she wouldn’t budge. Instead she blinked. She had hope.

He said he couldn’t bear to hurt her anymore. She said “so stop.” He didn’t know how so she held on tighter to show him. He called this being an “emotional wreck.” She called that love.

One day he said ‘enough is enough’ and shut down angry with her for having expectations, disappointed in himself for not meeting them. He called that the end. She saw his fear.

He drew silent. She reached out. He stayed silent. He called that being safe. She only felt abandoned.

She reached out again and again trying to break his silence. He called that confusing. She was  clear about her level of commitment.

When he didn’t return any of these sentiments he called that giving her the chance to finally find what she deserved. All she found was disappointment in him not realizing she already has.

 

Sad but okay.

 

Why it’s sad:  they both expected the same thing but just went about it differently. Because of her expectations, Ben expected to never make her happy even though he wanted to and Erica expected him to want to make her happy even if he felt like he didn’t/couldn’t. Both of them wanted to love their way and have it received as they delivered it BUT they never learned how to say it in a way the other understood so instead they only expected everything they couldn’t have.

Why it’s okay: 1) it’s a blessing when things fall apart because we can put them back together better than before. 2) it’s smart to say goodbye…but only if it’s really the end and 3) it’s brave to be scared…..as long as someone is there to make it safe.

We can’t control someone meeting our expectations. We can only control how we respond. So….I don’t know about you but –

I still expect help to come if I call BUT I’ve learned that help does not always look like help. There’s no way to know how it will present itself this time, next time, or any time – so I stay consistent so it won’t miss me. I still call. I still wait. I still wonder. I still believe. Faith, hope, love, fear, abandonment, commitment, and disappointment are all there too, awaiting their cue.

I don’t know what he’d call this but I call it life.

And life has afforded me the courage to see it as a masterpiece in the making. So…I stay the course expecting what I want and even what I don’t. As I wait for the sun to rise…. or set, I trust that tomorrow could be the day this will all make sense -giving meaning to why the blessings come only after the trials and tribulations.

And as long as Erica and Ben are still breathing- I expect them to figure this out together- and there is absolutely nothing insane about that.

 

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My Word Is My Bond

How many times have you complained that your partner, friend, family member, coworker, boss…someone, anyone, everyone….didn’t say what they mean and mean what they say? How many times that you preferred to hear what’s in the () aka their thought bubble rather than what they actually said? Do you often ask for and expect others to provide this common courtesy..this simple request …only to feel short changed when you don’t receive it? Do you then wonder why you weren’t important enough, valued enough, or loved enough to deserve this simple act of honesty and then slide down the familiar rabbit hole wherein no one (aside from you) is upfront, real, true to self, etc….only to decide that you are better off without them or anyone else whose word is not their bond?

If this describes you to the T, I have good news for you…you’re not alone. In some way shape or form we all fit this bill at some point in time either as the person feeling short changed or the person doing the short changing. The important question though is, how did we get there? Think about the last time you encountered this situation from either side. Ask yourself what kept you and/or the other person/people from speaking your/their truth.

In doing so, you may find that there are many reasons and some of them are unbeknownst to you or them. On the surface we can chalk it up to someone not being genuine and/or truly caring about us which made us scared to open up and share our feelings and then be hurt. Easy to make someone else the villain and give ourselves a pass by using our perception of their behavior as justification for why we weren’t our best selves in the first place. 

Below are two versions of an actual conversation between Ben and Erica, who have had a tumultuous relationship paved with friendship, love, hurt, deception and uncertainty.

As you read the conversation you may align with one or the other and/or both of them. If you happen to pick sides, ask yourself why and be honest. Then read my analysis as an opportunity to explore your understanding of both positions, and possibly yourself.

 

 

Ben: I didn’t expect a text from you today.

Erica: Why? It’s your birthday.

Ben: Exactly. I expected you to call not text. It threw me off for a minute but I guess I should be glad you thought of me.

Erica: Oh sorry.

(silence then polite conversation)

Ben: Look, I know I’ve been distant lately..not because I’m distancing myself but because I’ve been so caught up with work and the kids. In a few months things will calm down and the kids will be back with their mom and I promise you I will be more available.

Erica: Okay.

Ben: But I haven’t heard from you either. It’s like you are distancing yourself from me in order to protect yourself.

Erica: No. I’m just giving you space.

Ben: Semantics. Isn’t that the same as you being distant?

Erica: No. It’s me giving you space.

What are Ben and Erica really talking about?

It appears that Ben is addressing their lack of communication and Erica not calling him on his birthday. Erica’s response is indifferent, like it’s not a big deal. She attributes her lack of communication to her giving him space because he is so busy. At least this is what their words are communicating, which would be fine if we only communicated by the words we used. However, we truly communicate with the intention behind the words we use. If you re-read the conversation again (as it is presented below) listening to their intention (in the parenthesis), the conversation is different. What are they really saying?

Ben: I didn’t expect a text from you today. (damn. I wasn’t even worth a call?! That really hurt)

Erica: Why? It’s your birthday. (why would I not wish you happy birthday? I mean I didn’t want to  like this but….how could I not?)

Ben: Exactly. I expected you to call not text. It threw me off for a minute but I guess I should be glad you thought of me. (Are you serious? I shouldn’t even need to explain this. Birthday text vs a call?  If I expected anyone to call me today, it was you. Sigh)

Erica: Oh sorry. (more like sorry not sorry. I’m not going to risk calling you for you to ignore my call because you’re with some chick and “too busy” to answer. I’m not going to keep crushing on you while you do you. What about all the years I couldn’t call OR text you because you chose to be with someone else?! That shit was hurtful but you weren’t worried about me then ‘cause you had her. You’ve always had a “her.”)

(silence then polite conversation)

Ben: Look, I know I’ve been distant lately..not because I’m distancing myself but because I’ve been so caught up with work and the kids. In a few months things will calm down and the kids will be back with their mom and I promise you I will be more available. (damn. I know this sucks but I need more time. I can’t meet your expectations now but as we move forward I just want to do right by you this time. This time we make it work. No exceptions. I just need you to work with me. Once my plate isn’t so full I can focus on us and give you more time.)

Erica: Okay. (as usual I’m not a priority and have to wait my turn)

Ben: But I haven’t heard from you either. It’s like you are distancing yourself from me in order to protect yourself. (I know you can’t trust me and that I don’t deserve you to but..… I’m owning that I messed things up. I know I hurt you and I’m sorry. I hate being the bad guy. I can’t keep being the bad guy.)

Erica: No. I’m just giving you space. (WTF do you want from me?! I can’t keep chasing you. I can’t keep begging you to pay attention. I’m tired of always being available when you are ready to take me off hold. When you want me you can put work in and come find me).

Ben: Semantics. Isn’t that the same as you being distant? (c’mon we both know you are in protection mode. I know you! Just admit it.)

Erica: No. It’s me giving you space. (Of course I’m protecting myself! I’m not a priority and you know it. I’m tired of feeling like I gotta get in where I fit in. You’ve given me NO reason to believe that it’s safe to take a risk again so I’m not taking one. I want you back in my life more than you may ever know but I can’t be vulnerable or dumb again.)

How different would this conversation have been if they shared their intention (thought bubbles) instead of just words? What would Ben know that would help him better understand Erica’s distance? What would Erica understand about Ben’s true intentions regarding their relationship?

ERICA

Sending a text versus making a phone call is a clear choice and message. The impersonal tone is not lost on Ben but Erica’s actual intention is. It appears as though Erica is not being true to an established pattern of communication  and Ben thinks he knows what he did to move her off center, which empowered him to call out what he noticed. However, despite Ben owning this and believing things will change once he is more available, there didn’t seem to be any resolution. What went wrong in this conversation?  What did Erica want to hear that Ben didn’t say? And vice versa?

1.  Erica wrote the script but didn’t share it with Ben

Many of us have a running script in our head about how people are supposed to act, conversations are supposed to flow and how life is supposed to work out. Thinking ahead is all well and good except for the fact that we rarely share the script with our leading wo/man or our cast and crew. We walk around expecting everyone to know their lines and act out the italicized (theatrical directions) and become disappointed when they miss their “cue” leading to miscommunication and bad feelings on both ends.

Erica has unmet needs but denies interest in sharing them with the only person who can attempt to meet them. However, she expects Ben to “come find” her when he’s ready. How is Ben supposed to know that’s what she needs/wants, if he wasn’t given the script? Ben did what he thought the situation called for and communicated his observations only to get no validation. How does the apparent lack of appreciation for his ownership and explanation translate for Ben? Erica appears to be tired of hearing his words and seeing little action to back it up while Ben may feel that his communication is his only available demonstration of accepting responsibility. She has assumed that he has never missed her text or call on his birthday and has used this to rationalize and weaponize her position. However, assumptions are dangerous when taken as fact. If she doesn’t feel like a priority and acts as though she has accepted this as the status quo, how can she let him know she wants/needs to feel like one and in turn make him one?

2.  Erica has asked for something she didn’t give

We all come with dings in our armor (i.e….insecurities) and our hardest trick is to keep the new car smell in a pre-owned vehicle (i.e.…appear unscathed by past hurts even though we have been severely altered by them).  But if you are able to accomplish this impossible feat- does that make the car new again? It’s all perspective. Truth is subjective and magical-there one minute and gone the next. Easy to ask for and expect yet hard as hell to earn and maintain. Erica wants to know how Ben really feels about her. She wants to know his intentions but she can’t bring herself to tell him how she feels. Is it fair to expect someone to “keep it real” and tell you where they stand all while you refuse to do the same from them? She justifies it as being okay because she is protecting herself but how is that fair? Ben realizes her behavior is different so can he be expected to risk when he sees her not taking risks even if he knows why? Regardless of how we rationalize our perspective (or truth) if our actions don’t create safe space for sharing intimate thoughts, fears and concerns then it also doesn’t leave room to feasibly expect anyone to trust us with their vulnerability. We can’t play victim while being the villain.

3. Erica is so focused on being right that she is wrong

One word. PROTECTION. Erica isn’t flinching first. She refuses to be vulnerable and let Ben know how much she cares about him or their situation out of fear that doing so somehow makes her weak or susceptible to being taken advantage of. As long as she is so sure she will be screwed again she will want him to prove that he is truly ride or die. She will act tougher than nails and nonchalant about what he says and/or does only to convey the exact opposite of what she is feeling inside. However, none of this draws her closer to her goal. In fact,  it takes her further away from it. Deep down Erica wants to feel safe with Ben but she can’t say that, because it makes her vulnerable and in her head it creates expectations Ben may not want. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if he feels like she’s rushing him or applying unwanted pressure? Erica doesn’t want this so it feels safer to maintain her poker face and keep bluffing (i.e…pretend she is okay “giving him space” vs engaging with him regularly). Makes perfect sense in Vegas but not so much when you are managing a relationship you want to materialize.

BEN

So here Ben realizes things have shifted and inquires about where Erica stands. Erica acts aloof as if there’s no problem. Why would she do that? He is owning that he recognizes she texted instead of calling as a form of protection and addresses his contribution. Why not meet him where he is and say that she feels he should be making more of an effort and that she feels slighted and is in fact questioning what they are doing and moving into protection mode?

1.  Ben wrote the script but didn’t share it with Erica

Ben knows exactly what Erica is feeling and why and simplifies it to availability because that’s easier than addressing the real problem- aka he’s playing victim while being the villain. He demonizes Erica’s apparent distance while absolving himself from it because he has “a lot going on” and she is “being distant to protect” herself. However, is it possible that Ben has so much going on as a way to protect himself from being in a position to give more than he is offering? Could this be why emotional distance is an issue?

Ben expects Erica to own that she’s protecting herself and accept that he will be more available in a few months. If she does, problem solved. Right? Maybe in theory…but what if she can’t or doesn’t want to accept that? What if that doesn’t meet her needs? Does that mean she’s not being understanding and now Ben gets to be her victim? He needs time but what about what she needs? Who’s responsibility is that? Can she ask him to be more available now? Is that the same as Ben asking for more time or is this Erica being selfish? Is there a way for them both to have their needs met here?

2.  Ben is expecting something he cannot give

Ben has verbally acknowledged the role he plays in their emotional distance. As a result, he is asking Erica to be open to sharing her feelings. Problem is, he is requesting she do so in an environment that is not conducive to this. Ben is able to tell her how he feels, probably because Erica has made this safe for him. As a result,  Erica has been given the  responsibility of being open and honest about her feelings in a situation wherein her feelings are injured because she doesn’t feel as though he has availed himself to consider them.

Typical relationship catch 22. ‘Tell me how you feel even though I haven’t created a safe environment for you to do so.’  It appears as though Ben is available to check in about his distance only because Erica injured his feelings by texting and not calling. However, her silence- though obviously noted by him- did not warrant this check in when it only represented her pain. Why does it feel safer for Ben to use texting as the opening versus addressing their distance overall? ’I care but I only tell/show you when I’m backed into a corner’ is a mixed message that inevitably keeps the relationship feeling insecure for both of them.

3. Ben is so focused on being wrong that he is losing a winning battle

When are compromise and understanding fair and when are they too much to ask? Ben is right. Erica is being distant as a form of protection and yes his busy schedule is contributing to her insecurity. What if Erica owned this? What if she said “yes I don’t feel safe so I’m backing up”? Would Ben then rejoice in being right or would he realize that he now has put himself in the position to truly acknowledge her honesty and pain and adjust his behavior today as opposed to in the few months he has allotted for himself? If he doesn’t what message is he sending? Should Erica not expect him to change and feel obligated to allot a few months for hope that his plate clears and he can be more attentive and engaged or should she remember when he told her “people make time for what they want to make time for”?

Take home message

 

The average person craves honest and open communication but they don’t always realize how much comes with what they seek. To share openly means all parties willingly accept a vulnerable position. Because not everything should be spoken, when we ask someone to unleash everything we have to be prepared for hearing what we may not want to hear…and then humble ourselves to realize it may have been what we needed to hear.

Some may say, ‘I’m not asking for everything, just some things.’ Understandable. Ask yourself who determines what those “somethings” are though. And what if the things you want classify as part of “everything” to the other party? As you untangle this web you may come to find that the best communication is actually the one where you don’t expect complete honesty and allow folks to share what needs to be shared in order to have both their individual needs and the relationship needs met in a selfishly unselfish way. 

If Ben can hear “‘no it’s not okay that you use ‘having so much going on’ as a crutch. I’m not feeling valued and that’s not okay. I want to understand but it’s hard when I feel like I’m the only one understanding” and move towards validation and solution without getting in his feelings and being a victim he is allowing for open communication from an injured partner.

If Erica can hear “your distance feels like punishment and that confuses me. I want us to figure out how to both be okay in this transition” and move towards validation and solution without hearing his words as ‘more excuses and cop outs’ she is allowing for open communication from a trying partner.

In both examples each person is having their individual needs met  (selfishly) while attending to what their relationship is asking for (unselfishly). Neither gave away the store yet both feel heard, loved and valued which allows them to see solution on the horizon. 

 

#WINNING

 

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Promise

I promised myself I wouldn’t have expectations- but then I missed you

-truth is, I’m just jealous that other people can have you

I promise you that I tried not to care – but then I heard from you

-and was angry that it took so long

I promise you that I tried not to show it -but then you teased me

-and it was hard to accept that you couldn’t feel the pain welling in my heart

I promise you I tried to hide it – but then you exposed me

-which made me embarrassed that my expectations turned to jealousy, anger, hurt

I swear I was trying to tell you safely through text – but then you called- repeatedly

-and I was too deep in my feelings and scared….too shy,  to face you

I promised myself  I would  listen- but this time felt so much like last time

-I was lost in the caution that this could be the end

I promise you I tried to fix it -but you deflected; told me to move on

-how could I not feel abandoned by your unwillingness to fight for us?

I swear I tried only to love you- and instead I lost you…and my way

-left regretting that we can’t turn back time and do this day….hell,  maybe all the days, over again

I promise you I wanted….no needed..to be wrong- and then you proved me right

-your silence remains your loudest response

I promised. I promise, I promised.  And you made promises too- but maybe it’s just time to realize

– a promise can truly be a comfort to a fool…..

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Wanted: A Magician

Like most women who meet a guy who feels too good to be true, one of my girlfriends is afraid to like the man she is dating and is crawling away from flirting with the idea of blocking her blessings and instead running straight towards it at full speed. I know this feeling all too well and I love her so I get right into therapist mode, call out the behavior and begin encouraging her off the cliff of no return.

He makes her happy. She smiles when she talks about him. I mean she is telling me about this man making her feel “butterflies”…..if you’ve ever felt them you know how profound this is…… and how natural it is to talk to and spend time with him. He’s attentive, responsible, mature, willing and just as cautious as her. His greatest downfall may be the one thing that he isn’t -a magician. See this man would have to be one in order to achieve the one miracle needed to get the girl- the ability to heal her heart and erase her memory. I don’t know him but my money is on him doing this if he could.

I focus on the butterflies….how rare and beautiful they are. I remind her how we search far and wide for that feeling and what an accomplishment it is to finally find it. I encourage her to embrace and capture those butterflies so they never leave.

I focus on their natural comfort. How rare it is for people to connect and talk for hours like old friends. How the most valuable relationships tend to share this narrative. I encourage her to keep talking, stay open, keep building.

I focus on their shared pain. I encourage her to feel safe knowing he understands and values her pain/caution especially as he holds his own. I paint a picture of a man who has been wronged and therefore is not likely to wrong someone else. I offer my opinion. “He knows what it feels like to be hurt, why would he hurt you? I mean, who does that?!” This is our favorite question to ask each other after all, and we share a much needed laugh.

I focus on her fear being normal and more importantly, valid. “If you weren’t scared you’d be dumb”, I tell her. She was about to be tearful but we share another laugh because she knows I mean it. I tell her that her anxiety is the spirit of her “ex hurts” (i.e..the exes who have caused emotional damage) trying to keep her hurt and alone. I remind her that the devil’s a liar so she has to remind him “not today!” every time he appears in the form of these old, tired memories.

I focus on the past and regret. I encourage her to remember hers. I speak of the benefit to learning from both of them so she doesn’t make more mistakes or harbor more regrets. I remind her how it feels to play shoulda, woulda, coulda and advise her to let him mess this up so she can walk away knowing she did everything she could with no apology.

I focus on her. I see her for who she is, who she was, who she wanted to be, who she deserves to and can/will be. I highlight how she deserves to have a man who leaves her feeling this way. I beg her to not block her blessings and to let this man love her. I see her smile despite herself at this idea, and I am certain in that moment that all of this is only her brain rejecting what her heart is craving.

I sigh as I witness another woman risk having it all because once upon a time she believed in the wrong fairy tale.

And now I lie in bed praying for the courage, tomorrow, to take my own advice.

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“When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”

So cliche that the power of the meaning gets lost. Life deals us a hell of a blow sometimes and while we sit completely engulfed in the distress of the moment and try to catch our breath we rarely focus on what comes next. We spend so much energy and time worrying about how to survive moments that we forget (or ignore) focusing on how to use them as springboards for our next move.

I’m not sure that I ever consciously thought about this before but for years I have prided myself on not dwelling on what feels bad. Whether that was because of my resilience or my commitment to not letting anyone or anything get the best of me, is unclear and probably irrelevant as far as my drive goes. However, this notion has been vital in terms of my survival and growth.

Therapists are considered to be all about the problem. My friends and clients, however, have had the opposite experience with me. I’m not fully solution focused but I do lean more towards the “okay. It’s unfortunate that things worked out like that but what are you going to do about it?” versus “ohhhh. Tell me more about how much that hurt.” The validation comes from my acknowledgment that the situation is difficult but my purpose comes from empowering their identification of the solution.

We tend to think that others are the bearer of the solution because subconsciously it feels safer that way. ‘If I hold the burden of the problem, someone else can figure out how to fix it.’ Makes sense that you wouldn’t want to feel bad about being in a situation and then feel bad that you can’t get out of it, right? Well, failing to realize that the solution lies within yourself allows you to be stagnant and stuck. While absolving yourself from responsibility and putting power over your life in someone else’s hands, you are making yourself powerless to them, which sits you comfortably in the victim role.  Because personally, I see no empowerment in that, in the era of ‘take several seats!”, I choose to duck, duck, goose my way right past ‘victim’ and instead choose to assume MY seat at the head of the table as the ‘wild card’.

I believe that once I’ve turned a situation inside and out, identified the players and the energy driving them (including my own), the problem has served its purpose and now its time to learn from it and move on. Moving on doesn’t mean no longer caring about it, though. Quite the contrary. In fact, I choose to never stop caring about what caused my wounds because for me- moving on is the act of being purposeful with my newfound knowledge and deliberate with my execution and delivery of it. Remembering my pain and discomfort, keeps me honest to my purpose every day. Sounds easy, but could feel impossible.  Well life has proven that those are two sides of the same coin.

Getting past difficult moments and not holding on to negative feelings definitely feels impossible at times. (Point of clarification: holding on to negative feelings is NOT the same as remembering your pain). When people advise us to ‘get over it’ or tell us ‘let it go’, we can feel like we are speaking two different languages. We may vacillate between anger- “STFU! How can you tell me how to feel?” and sadness-“I wish it was that easy! You have no idea what this feels like!”

Fact- NO ONE experiences your pain the way you do so they actually can’t tell you HOW you should feel.

BUT……

Once someone who has worried about something tirelessly realizes it wasn’t worth an ounce of energy they gave it, and witnesses you knock on that door ignorant to what’s behind it, you have made it very easy for them to tell you what you should and should not do. Because, they’ve already walked the path and know where it ends they will try to help. They’ll offer you the map (their map) and try to spare you the pain of climbing the rocky side of the mountain (hurt) and direct you to the smooth trail (eff ‘em) and you won’t appreciate it. Though paved with good intention, this puts you both in the throws of an impossible feat, because neither validates the other. Your journey is not up to them and you can’t rationalize feeling delivered from pain while pain is all you know. 

So although no one feels the same as you about any situation you are experiencing, they may understand and/or relate to certain dynamics of the situation, which brings perspective. And from perspective (as it relates to actual experience) comes a level of discernment that may be helpful in thwarting the depth of your plunge and/or digging you out of the dark hole. Now that’s not so bad, is it? After all, isn’t life too short to make all the mistakes, yourself?

……stay tuned for part 2……….COMING SOON

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Pick Your Poison….

I recently learned a valuable lesson about comfort and exploration. I spent the last nine years working for an agency doing work that I LOVED with a population I have dedicated much of my career to- but work that was not allowing me to fulfill my potential. In hindsight I see that there were many occasions wherein the universe sent me messages to move along my journey, which I repeatedly ignored, until ignoring them was no longer an option.

When the end of that leg of my journey came sooner than I wanted, at first I was sad because I knew I’d miss the work. However, as the days went on and more and more opportunities presented themselves the universe made three things painstakingly clear. First, I did miss the work but I did NOT miss my job. Second, I was doing the work I loved in the wrong environment. And third, and most important, doing the work I loved in the wrong environment at a job I didn’t love, was a huge injustice that so many of us do everyday. Because of that, something that I encouraged so many of my clients not to do, I had been guilty of for nine years. I had done what many of you may be doing right now in some aspect of your life- blocking my blessings.

The people  the universe spoke through, who tried to encourage me to expand my horizon and see my worth, knew I was comfortable and complacent. My defense to them, despite having had other ambitions, was that I knew that I had found my calling and didn’t need to jump ship like everyone else still searching for their purpose. Today I know that though this sounds good in theory, I didn’t just find my calling during those years. I had also picked my poison…the hill I was going to die on.

This blog is part of my new round of blessings. It’s my demonstration of openness to previously unrecognizable possibilities and desire to share what I’ve learned through my transition with hopes of encouraging and supporting all of you as you navigate yours.

This is where we will discuss the everyday struggles that make us comfortable and complacent. Where we address taboo issues and say things that aren’t easy to say. Here, we discuss the universality of our difficulties and together unpick the poison that we’ve chosen to know and instead encourage our many new and unseen possibilities. This is our reality check. Join me and begin to unblock your blessings.

“It doesn’t matter where your journey starts; only where it ends and what you pass and pick up long the way.”

-Melanie Robinson Findlay

Welcome to my…your…our….

Universal Soapbox