So cliche that the power of the meaning gets lost. Life deals us a hell of a blow sometimes and while we sit completely engulfed in the distress of the moment and try to catch our breath we rarely focus on what comes next. We spend so much energy and time worrying about how to survive moments that we forget (or ignore) focusing on how to use them as springboards for our next move.
I’m not sure that I ever consciously thought about this before but for years I have prided myself on not dwelling on what feels bad. Whether that was because of my resilience or my commitment to not letting anyone or anything get the best of me, is unclear and probably irrelevant as far as my drive goes. However, this notion has been vital in terms of my survival and growth.
Therapists are considered to be all about the problem. My friends and clients, however, have had the opposite experience with me. I’m not fully solution focused but I do lean more towards the “okay. It’s unfortunate that things worked out like that but what are you going to do about it?” versus “ohhhh. Tell me more about how much that hurt.” The validation comes from my acknowledgment that the situation is difficult but my purpose comes from empowering their identification of the solution.
We tend to think that others are the bearer of the solution because subconsciously it feels safer that way. ‘If I hold the burden of the problem, someone else can figure out how to fix it.’ Makes sense that you wouldn’t want to feel bad about being in a situation and then feel bad that you can’t get out of it, right? Well, failing to realize that the solution lies within yourself allows you to be stagnant and stuck. While absolving yourself from responsibility and putting power over your life in someone else’s hands, you are making yourself powerless to them, which sits you comfortably in the victim role. Because personally, I see no empowerment in that, in the era of ‘take several seats!”, I choose to duck, duck, goose my way right past ‘victim’ and instead choose to assume MY seat at the head of the table as the ‘wild card’.
I believe that once I’ve turned a situation inside and out, identified the players and the energy driving them (including my own), the problem has served its purpose and now its time to learn from it and move on. Moving on doesn’t mean no longer caring about it, though. Quite the contrary. In fact, I choose to never stop caring about what caused my wounds because for me- moving on is the act of being purposeful with my newfound knowledge and deliberate with my execution and delivery of it. Remembering my pain and discomfort, keeps me honest to my purpose every day. Sounds easy, but could feel impossible. Well life has proven that those are two sides of the same coin.
Getting past difficult moments and not holding on to negative feelings definitely feels impossible at times. (Point of clarification: holding on to negative feelings is NOT the same as remembering your pain). When people advise us to ‘get over it’ or tell us ‘let it go’, we can feel like we are speaking two different languages. We may vacillate between anger- “STFU! How can you tell me how to feel?” and sadness-“I wish it was that easy! You have no idea what this feels like!”
Fact- NO ONE experiences your pain the way you do so they actually can’t tell you HOW you should feel.
BUT……
Once someone who has worried about something tirelessly realizes it wasn’t worth an ounce of energy they gave it, and witnesses you knock on that door ignorant to what’s behind it, you have made it very easy for them to tell you what you should and should not do. Because, they’ve already walked the path and know where it ends they will try to help. They’ll offer you the map (their map) and try to spare you the pain of climbing the rocky side of the mountain (hurt) and direct you to the smooth trail (eff ‘em) and you won’t appreciate it. Though paved with good intention, this puts you both in the throws of an impossible feat, because neither validates the other. Your journey is not up to them and you can’t rationalize feeling delivered from pain while pain is all you know.
So although no one feels the same as you about any situation you are experiencing, they may understand and/or relate to certain dynamics of the situation, which brings perspective. And from perspective (as it relates to actual experience) comes a level of discernment that may be helpful in thwarting the depth of your plunge and/or digging you out of the dark hole. Now that’s not so bad, is it? After all, isn’t life too short to make all the mistakes, yourself?
……stay tuned for part 2……….COMING SOON